FishBait

The Greed of a "Mourning" Father

2007-11-30T09:34:00.000-05:00

Most things irritate me, but some things make my flesh crawl as if leeches were sucking me dry. O.J. Simpson’s shit-eating grin is one of these things. His smirk accentuates his abnormally large head like a powder blue tuxedo on a Mexican. Speaking of his gargantuan head, have you ever seen anything bigger? That question got me to thinking, so I did a little research and this is the only thing that I can find larger than his melon.

Enough of O.J., let’s talk about Fred Goldman. I read this morning on the Fox News website that Goldman is suing The Pirate Bay for profit loss due to pirated copies of the book If I Did It. According to Goldman, he has lost $150,000 in revenue from illegal downloading. Did I read that right? My reaction was very similar to O.J.’s.

For those that are not familiar with If I Did It, it’s basically O.J. Simpson’s confession to the murders. Now, if my son was murdered I would want everyone to read the killer’s confession and I wouldn’t be upset if they didn’t want to pay twenty dollars to read it. Hell, I would be in Wal-Mart doing my best impression of a damnation preacher handing the confession out to everyone that walked by.

Granted, Goldman won a 34 million dollar civil law suit from Simpson. That money is to be paid by Simpson, not curious readers or The Pirate Bay. Goldman is a greedy bastard that is profiting from his son’s murder at the expense of the public. O.J. Simpson may be scum around the toilet, but Fred Goldman is the mildew on the tube next to him.

So, after hours of extensive research into things bigger than O.J.’s head, I am proud to announce I have found one more thing…My disgust for Fred Goldman.

What's Incredibly Delicious Yet Surprisingly Nutritious?

2007-11-28T11:19:00.000-05:00

It's Kudos...

I have to give special thanks to Vixen for helping (actually moving) my posts from previous versions of my blog. If I had been forced to transfer the posts bad things could have happened. Quite possibly a bus full of retards might have blown up, Tarantino may have announced a sequel to Death Proof, or the unthinkable...Mcrib could have cut its farewell tour short.

So, stop by her site A Month of Thursdays , and thank her for saving the retards, sparing your senses from another Tarantino atrocity, and deducting five years from your life by allowing the Mcrib to stick around.

Just beware she is very cranky on Thursdays and has been known to put people in jail.

Brothers and Sisters the Word of the Day is...

2007-11-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

Solidarity

It’s been over three months since I wrote anything for this blog. And now I am breaking my silence. It’s no secret that in terms of Homo sapiens I am a perfect specimen. Therefore, I can do things that the mere mortals cannot. I’m not talking about jumping over buildings, stopping speeding trains, or deflecting bullets. Those things are child’s play compared to what I can do. Although I can think of a handful of rappers that could have used the deflecting bullets talent, I digress.

Back to my hiatus, At this point most everyone is aware of the writers strike. Well one of my talents is I can see the future. I started striking in advance to show my support. Now, I know all three of my readers are asking the question “But, JDV you aren’t a member of the WGA, are you?” Excellent and very perceptive question, no I am not, but I am a writer and that my friends is where the word of the day comes in to play.

After my last post in July, I started to sense a disturbance in the force. I acquired this talent many years ago after watching the Star Wars trilogy repeatedly for three days straight. I liken it to Algebra; you never think you will need fractions but you will. Anyway, at first I thought this disturbance was being caused by the introduction of shitty new shows like The Bionic Woman. As the disturbance grew stronger I realized that it was the money-grubbing studios bullying my writing brethren by hanging them upside down and shaking the miniscule royalties they so deserved from their pockets. Without talented writers, we as entertainment hungry Americans would be forced to endure horrendous shows lacking substance. If you cannot picture that, imagine being forced to listen to a Poison record over and over again. See, it’s a real problem.

Studios are profiting from technology via online streaming of shows and DVD sales. The writers see none of this additional revenue. Need I remind you, without talented writers, it’s Look What the Cat Dragged In 24/7. It’s really no different from record companies profiting from the sales of overpriced cds and the artists seeing very little of the share.

I read an article the other day about file sharing. In the article the King of the Mushroom-Headed Hair, Gene Simmons declared that college kids should be jailed for downloading a few songs, going on to say that stealing songs was taking from the artists pockets. Not entirely true, it’s taking from the record companies pockets, who are bullying the artists just as the studios are shaking down the writers. A band makes money from the revenue of concert and merchandise sales. Only a fraction of the revenue generated from record sales goes to the artist. Gene Simmons would know this if he paid attention in Algebra class. I told you that fractions were important. Actually, Gene Simmons owns his own record company so he is not speaking for artists. He is speaking for the greedy bastards that are charging the same price for cds in 2007 as they charged twenty years ago.

Here’s the deal…let’s say you see the band, The Coke Bottle Ass Pluggers on a torrent site. And you think “Wow, great name, I wonder if they are any good?” You’re gun shy about going out and spending fifteen bucks on a cd because the last time you did that by name alone, the Anal Cunt cd you bought sucked. What do you do?

You, along with thousands other download the torrent. It turns out The Coke Bottle Ass Pluggers kick some serious Shaft ass, so you go to their show and buy that sweet ass T-shirt. You just gave fifty bucks to the artist and many people that downloaded the torrent liked it so much they went out and bought the overpriced cd. Now without the torrent no one would have listened to The Coke Bottle Ass Pluggers except Clay Aiken. Record Companies need to stop crying and fuck Gene Simmons too.

I got off on a tangent there, but the same thing applies to the royalties writers are owed. Solidarity my good people, walk side by side with the people that give you endless hours of escapism from nagging spouses and puking kids. So there you have it, that’s why I’ve been silent….

Did you buy that? OK, while all that is true, the word of the day isn’t “Solidarity”, it’s “Bamboozle.” I haven’t posted anything because I’ve been lazy. That’s my true talent. I fooled all three of you, don’t lie, and don’t frown, get down.

Wedding Bliss: Gambling, Threesomes with God, and Bird Shit

2007-06-25T15:14:00.000-05:00

Recently I was stricken with horror while opening my mail. Hidden beneath the countless credit card offers and Publisher’s Clearing House notices was a vile little entity commonly referred to as a wedding invitation. Now, I hate weddings, not for the sappiness factor but for the socializing factor. I do not like people. In fact, I am better than most people, and to lower myself to speak to some common folk about career choices, etc. pains me like the bite of a thousand fire ants. However, this was a wedding invitation for a family member so I figured I would suffer. I am a great blood relative.

So last Saturday I drove two hours to attend something that I detest. Did I mention I am the Mother Teresa of blood relatives? I liken weddings to seeing Rosie O’ Donnell decked in dominatrix gear in that horrendous film Exit to Eden. With the being said, one day I will probably get married I figure it’s my duty to make some woman an incredibly lucky woman one day

Once I arrived, I surveyed the land, taking a precise inventory of the obstacles known as “talkers” to avoid. After a few minutes I migrate to my own kind, just as any species would do in the wild, I sat down with my parents. I figured they already knew that I am an antisocial asshole so they wouldn’t grate my nerves. Oh ! I forgot to mention this wedding was outside in 90-degree heat. That anomaly impaired my normally uncanny keen sense for avoiding “talkers.” Soon I noticed a stranger sitting next to me…and he drew blood, he spoke.

It happened to be my uncle’s brother. At that point, the only thing I could think about was “I wonder if this is the one with the “life-partner” at home?” I have no idea what he was saying to me, I was focused on the high pitch in his voice, and you know what, he could be the one with the “life-partner” at home. The traditional “here’s the rope, put it to good use” wedding music interrupted me before I found out for sure. Later in the day I saw my uncle’s other brother…he definitely is the one with the “life-partner.”

It became obvious to me as the ceremony started that the preacher was a little odd. At this point, I had no hard evidence to back up my hypothesis. That soon would change. After the initial prayer, the preacher informed the audience that for the next ten minutes he was going to speak directly to the bride and groom and that we as witnesses could just enjoy being voyeurs. Then it hit me, the preacher looked like one of those guys that liked to get his ass whooped by Rosie O dressed in dominatrix attire. I started picturing him sporting gimp gear…I laughed…my mother gave me “the look.”

Then I became pissed not because I got “the look” after 30 some years I am immune to “the look.” I was pissed because this man was wasting my valuable time telling these two people things he should have told them in private weeks ago. An attention whore preacher is only funny if he is farting on you tube. He proceeds to inform the groom that from this point forward, he will pretty much be her slave, he will take the trash out, he will do this, he will do that, etc. After a depressing five minutes that seemed the equivalent of a list of choirs, he was finished with the groom. It was the bride’s turn…it took fifteen seconds, he told her to be the groom’s friend. I heard laughter behind me, turning around I noticed the preacher’s wife actually breastfeeding a baby. It figures.

After his less than successful audition for The Last Comic Standing, the preacher finally got to the nitty gritty of the ceremony. He started by saying, “These two are taking a huge risk rolling the dice, most marriages today end in divorce.” Fuck positive reinforcement I say! He then went on to tell the lovebirds that the only way to have a happy, blooming marriage was to have God in the middle. What? Preacher man seemed to suggest that threesomes with God were the ‘in” thing. I’m pretty sure this breaks a commandment. On the other hand it does explain why people scream out “Oh God” when they cum.

The rest of the ceremony was pretty much the standard do you take blah, blah, blah…I really didn’t pay attention because the entire time I was coming up with God and threesome jokes in my head. Then, I felt something hit my leg, I looked down to discover a huge glob of green bird shit on my pants. See this is way you do not have weddings outside; birds have the couth of West Virginians. The little fuckers probably have a points scoring system for shitting on people. Anyway, the one that shit on me scored 25 points, 10 for the leg and 15 for the shoulder….yes he shit on my shoulder too. It was at this point I decided to blame God, sure, he has a sense of humor, but obviously, he cannot take a joke.

There is Some Shifty Shit Going on in Aisle 13

2007-05-05T20:04:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about suing the makers of Axe Body Wash for false advertising. I had been watching the commercials, according to Axe, if I bathed in this magical potion women would attack me like I was a cafe and they were suicide bombers. I still wasn't sold.

So, I go to the store and see Axe sitting on the shelf. After picking the bottle up, I expected some sort electrical charge to shoot through my fingertips as a direct result of the potency of the wash. It did not happen.

At this point, I figured that Axe was attempting to bamboozle stupid men with cheap, inane advertising. I had to know for sure, so I read the back of the bottle.

On the back were two images...one, a shower head and two, a silhouette of a man flanked by two women. The only way to interpret this is...use Axe, score a threesome." There was no mention of having to pay these women to join you in the threesome, so I figured $4.29 + tax for a threesome was an awesome deal. I was already sold, but there was an EXPERIENCE THE AXE EFFECT warning on the back, that read...The Axe Effect may result in, but is not limited to, unrelenting female attention and/or late nights. Blinded with the thought of having to beat women off with a stick I ran to the counter, ignoring the key word MAY.

Once home I had to try out this wonderful concoction that I knew would make Ponce De Leon feel inadequate since he only discovered a measly fountain of youth. I showered...fully expecting two women to be waiting for me when I threw back the shower curtain; I positioned myself to the right angle and flung the curtain back.

Nothing! Wonderful concoction my ass, this was expensive snake oil. I was destroyed. So I stepped out of the shower, dried myself off, then noticed that I smelt refreshing, in fact I smelt groovy, the name of the wash was Groove. Not all was lost but I was still suing.

Then about three in the morning, I woke up itching. My skin was having an allergic reaction to the AXE EFFECT. That sealed the deal I definitely was suing. After digesting more than the recommended dosage of Benadryl, I remembered the disclaimer warned of late nights. I looked at the clock again, it was 3:45 and I thought well God Damnit! now I can't sue.

Darwin Was Wrong: Sgt. Pampers

2007-04-30T11:57:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been about a week since I embarked on my journey to prove Darwin wrong. My eyes have seen unimaginable horrors. It’s been so bad at times that my retinas have practically begged me to stare into a solar eclipse. Look at the things I do for Science, I am a true humanitarian.

The first installment of Darwin Was Wrong is a grand slam. In fact, with this one post I completely disprove Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. Don’t worry, people are dense, and it takes a shitload of evidence to convince them, so my journey is just beginning. Without further ado,…I give you case study #1: “Diapers Are a Part of My Life”

I stumbled upon a picture that evoked hysterical nausea. Look!

I know what you’re going to ask…Why in the hell is Newt Gingrich dressed in Winnie the Pooh pj’s and sucking on a pacifier? I don’t know…but there is something more disturbing than that. You doubt me? OK, I admit it’s hard to beat an image of an adult man dressed like a three year old but have faith in me….

After perusing Huggy Bear’s Myspace friends list, I struck ghoulish gold. Apparently, there is a Myspace movement of diaper dandies. One idiot stood out in a room full of diaper clad “babies”. I call him Sgt. Pampers.

Let’s look at Sgt. Pampers’ bio….

About me:
I am a guy that feels safe and secure when wearing his diaper. I wear my diaper to bed, work, shopping, and everywhere I go. The answer to your questions is: I do wet my diaper when I wear no matter where I am at. Diapers are my underpants as much as possible. Much easier to take off a wet diaper than wet underpants and pants.

Well, I am glad he answered the 100,000-dollar question of “does he wet his diaper.” Seriously, what the fuck is this! This man is 43 years old and wears a diaper, ON PURPOSE. I have a friend who occasionally shits his pants when he farts and it’s funny but this is downright appendicitis inducing comedy. Indoor plumbing is not a new thing; this guy actually pisses in a diaper when he is fully capable of using a toilet. Darwin said what!

I wonder what happens if Sgt. Pampers goes a day or so without wearing a diaper? Don’t keep us in suspense any longer….

Wearing diapers has become such a part of me that if I go a few days with out wearing, I start to feel really down. I don't see anything wrong with wearing diapers. I am glad to look through myspace and see that there are others out there that like, have the need, or want to wear diapers.

I am lost with out my diaper on.

I swear to baby wipes Jesus I am not making this shit up. Obviously a few days without diapers is like a few days without caffeine minus the headache.

So, I wonder what a diaper dilemma consists of….hmmm…

Last Sunday I was down to my last diaper and had to go get some more. So during the day, I went to Walgreens because I was in a hurry and had to be somewhere. Went in looked for the Walgreens brand extra type grabbed them and went to the check out counter. Wouldn't you know it there was a line but I didn't care, I needed them. There was a lady with lots of things and then a little girl in front of me waiting to buy her own things. So here I am waiting there holding a bag of adult diapers with no concerns at all. No one said anything or even had a funny look about it. When it was time to pay, i handed them to the young girl working and she checked me out. I put them in my car and headed out to my meeting. Later on that evening, I needed to change so I got one out and went into a bathroom to change, little did I know but I bought the wrong size, I bought the XL size. Oh well to late now, so I put on the XL Diaper. Yes it was a much larger than what I needed but I needed to have a diaper on so what was I going to do.

Now that all I have are these XL size, I have been wearing them to work and everywhere I go. They make more noise than my normal size, but no one has noticed yet. I have to make sure I wear a shirt that will stay tucked in because my XL diapers stick up past my pants and I don't want anyone at work to see them. So far a week has gone by and no one has said anything. Next time I will pay more attention to the size and not be in such a hurry.

WOW! OK, I’m going to say something about them….you’re a goddamn grown man, stop wearing diapers, and use a fucking toilet. Hell, even sit down to pee if it makes you feel comfortable but stop with the damn diapers. You are contributing to downfall of society.

And to find out your biggest worry is whether the diaper is making noise or not is mind-boggling. Your biggest worry should be if the people around you can smell your nasty shitting your diaper ass.

Paging Darwin….

I Am Your New Lt. Starbuck

2007-04-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

The Internet is an endless highway of amusement. Whether pillaging torrent sites for the newest releases of perusing the latest edition of Down Her Gullet with my 10” Mullet, the net can be a fun place. Let’s face it though… after you’ve seen one hot blond drop a Steamer on some poor yet eagerly anxious guy’s chest…you’ve seen them all.

Big tits, weird fetishes, free music, and Myspace are just the make-up on the black eyes of truth. We, as a society, are devolving. This signs are plastered over the Internet like repulsive toilet art left by someone unfortunate enough to experience bad Mexican food and live to shit about it. At first you turn away in disgust but soon you start thinking “hey, that piece of corn looks like the Titanic and it’s about to hit that huge shitberg.” I digress…

Darwin’s Theory of Evolution relies heavy on the ideology of Natural Selection. For those out there who failed 7^th grade Biology…Natural Selection is a process in which over a period a time a species inherits and develops stronger traits while cutting off weaker traits. If you learn Science by reading fortune cookies, the strong will survive and the weak shall perish. It makes sense. Think deeper, in order for this to work; the majority should be strong, right? I mean if the weak are killed off, basic math states that the strong are the majority. If the net is a litmus test for this, the theory A) is wrong or B) states that the pants shitters of the world are the true geniuses. Either way Natural Selection in mankind is flawed.

On the other hand, technology is evolving. Ten years ago a Packard Bell running Windows was a Cadillac, today it’s a 1973 Pinto station wagon with brown-siding. That’s the way things should be and it supports Darwin’s Natural Selection like a girdle on Rosie O’ Donnell. All the while, the same idiot has been fucking up my order at Mcdonald’s for the last four years. Basic Evolution suggests that by now he should have learned what “no mayonnaise” means. It also would suggest that after four years I should have moved on to the more scrumptious delicacies of Steak N Shake. I blame it on the fries, they are not doused with salt, it’s an inhibitor to block me from moving on to better eats. Again, I digress…

If technology is evolving yet mankind is devolving, where does that leave us? I will tell you where…in the not so distant future Cylon Centurions will run rampant through the streets. This time you will not have Dirk Benedict and Lorne Greene to protect you. Heed my warning. Soon C-3PO will be our president, ( I know it will be an improvement, bear with me , for the sake of my rambling) so do not be surprised to hear the following in a robotic Richard Simmons-like voice, “ vice-president R2-D2 says chances of survival are 725 to one.” Don’t try to blame the web-cam whore and her contortionist ways, you have no one blame but yourself.

I am about to embark on a journey that will take me to the moronic bowels of the Internet. A new section is born…Darwin Was Wrong will debut this week. I will traverse through seedy chat rooms, ludicrous livejournals, brainless message boards, and imbecilic Myspace pages in search of quotes and photos to disprove Darwin. It’s my part to save mankind. I am your new Lt. Starbuck. Wish me luck and may the force be with me…..

And don’t go blaming C-3PO for the fall of mankind. Blame your neighbor, who still has his Christmas lights up in April.

An Impromptu Tryout for the Special Olympics

2007-02-03T13:29:00.000-05:00

Gyms smell, this is not a new revelation. I have trained my nose with the power of immunity to ignore the bouquet of funk in my gym. For example, there is the enormous guy afflicted with Perspiration Exrcetionitus, he produces more water than a Nimbus cloud. There is the skinny guy that obviously suffers from Ivory Aversioneria. For those not familiar with that term and I expect none of you are since I just made it up, it’s a severe allergic reaction to soap. Finally, there is the gay old guy that has been stricken with Flatulence Slipus Amongus, he leaves a trail of thick green fart fog everywhere he roams. In all honesty, I should blame Darwin for this because the old guy has probably evolved to the point that the harmful gas serves a tracking system so he never gets lost when his Alzheimer’s kicks in. I have conquered every stench that has challenged me.

The other day I walked into the gym and my nose revolted. It didn’t take long for me to become discombobulated. A foreign scent in the air overwhelmed my immunity. After a brief investigation, I realized that it was the smell of retard. They were everywhere; it was like watching Ewoks scurrying through the forest. If you have never smelled retard count your blessings, the stench is a combination of the three above-mentioned aromas. And when you mix the three smells into a nauseating cocktail for your nostrils it’s like flesh eating Strep bacteria, pretty much immune to everything. I was in trouble.

Now this isn’t my first run-in with retards. About six months ago, I went to the gym to play ball and a blockade of tards met me as I walked onto the basketball court. They were walking arm to arm down the court as if they were searching for something on the floor. The scene reminded me of an episode of C.S.I. when the investigators combed crime scenes for clues. In this case, the retards were looking for a contact lens that one of them had lost. After ten minutes of frantic searching from the “investigators” and of me having convulsions from laughter “the victim” of the lost lens spoke up…” I found it!” It seems that he lost his contact lens in his eye. That is the last place I would have though to look.

Due to the previous experience my initial thought was to turn around and run but being the trooper that I am I took a deep breath and drudged into battle.

The first line of assault came in the form of “The Shaker.” He was sitting in a chair rocking back and forth with a look of impending vomit on his face. I asked him “are you OK?” not because I was genuinely concerned about his health but if he was going to vomit I wanted to be out of his line of fire. He looked up at me, I say that, but I am not sure he was looking at me, he had crazy eyes, and then he walked away. Holy shit! A retard that was too good to speak to me. I survived the initial attack.

Next was “The Curious Wanderer”, he snuck up on me with the stealth of a fat woman climbing stairs. I had just put my earphones on when I noticed his hand gestures; it was like watching someone trying to direct traffic at a demolition derby. He began to pointing at my IPOD asking could he hold it. The only explanation that I have for what followed next is that the smell led to my disorientation. I handed him my IPOD as he proceeded to tell me that he had one blah, blah, blah…after taking my IPOD back and putting my earphones back on I figured he would leave. I misjudged the level of persistency in retards. Normal gestures such as turning the volume up to twenty to drown someone out does not work on retards. So, instead of sitting there looking like an asshole and risking him following me to every machine I engaged him in conversation once again. It went something like this:

The Curious Wanderer: “What kind of music do you have?”

Me: “All kinds”

The Curious Wanderer: “Do you like rap?”

Me: “Yes”

The Curious Wanderer: “Are you listening to rap?”

Me: “No, Country”

The Curious Wanderer: “?”

Ironically, Miss Cleo was right. I was listening to rap, but by this time, I had regained my senses. There was no way I was going to debate him on who was more influential in the rap movement, The Fat Boys or Kool Moe Dee. More importantly, I was not feeling lucky, so there wasn’t a chance in hell that I was going to play retard roulette with my earphones and run the risk of him asking to listen. Country was his kryptonite and my escape. He looked as if I had asked him what color his shirt was when I said “Country.” This altercation left me wounded but I forged ahead.

At this point, I knew that my defenses were weakened and I needed to power up so I made my way to the Nautilus equipment. Just as the oasis that was the leg lift came into my view, Pickachu Doo Doo cut me off. He looked just like Pickachu and smelled like shit. He, unlike the others was using the weight machines. I figured it was highly likely that he possessed retard strength, not wanting to engage in battle with him I detoured and ended up at the stretch mats.

My safety only lasted a split second. Here I encountered another enemy of my sanity…the feminine pedophile and his lawyer. I swear to me this guy was getting legal advice while stretching on the mat, apparently he had exposed himself to a young boy. This waste of oxygen looked like a rejected American Idol contestant. Exposing himself to anyone is a crime against humanity and he should be punished by having to watch every Super Bowl back to back while having Cannibal Corpse bang his eardrums at high levels. Finally, Chuck Norris should pummel him to death. Just as I was about to tell him this “The Shaker” stormed back into the gym. No longer was his shaking a mystery. He was pissed at ‘The Curious Wanderer.”

He made a beeline straight for his throne, sat down, and took his shoe off. Contemplating his next move, he paused and then flung his shoe, as a monkey flings shit, at “The Curious Wanderer.” Bullseye! He hit the Wanderer in the back of the head. I was expecting a melee to ensue. I prepared myself for the hilarity of a retard slobberknocker but what I got was campfire kumbaya. To my disappointment, the Wanderer turned around and just laughed. His laughter set off a chain reaction of tard cackling that rivaled hyenas. None louder than “Una “tard” Bomber”, this guy bared an uncanny resemblance to Ted Kaczynski. Luckily, for me the only contact I had with him was eye contact. He looked like he could seriously blow some shit up. It was at this point the tard wrangler rounded them up and shuffled them to the van. I suppose they can only handle so much excitement in one day.

“The Curious Wanderer” looked at me and waved as he exited the gym. I waved back and became somewhat sad. Then it hit me… everyone needs a little retard in their life. But it’s much more pleasant if you have a cold and can not smell.

A few things before you start sending hate mail to save you some time spell checking and me some bandwidth.

Telling me that I am an asshole is not an insult.
I am fully aware that I am going to Hell.
I do not plan to have children. At this point, I realize that the kid would be severely fucked up.

A final word for the retarded…if by chance you read this and you are retarded, good for you, there are some pretty big words in this babble. Pat yourself on the back…

And take a bath for my sake.

Close Call for Michael Vick

2007-01-19T10:43:00.000-05:00

Michael Vick, quarterback for the the choke worthy Atlanta Falcons wandered off of the grounds of his winter home on Thursday. He managed to make his way to the airport before he was stopped by police. To the surprise of the police, they found a 20 ounce water bottle that reeked of Marijuana. When questioned Vick went into his impression of Dolemite and proclaimed " that shit ain't mine, man!"

After the incident, Vick was escorted by Jim Moron, the associate director of Atlanta's Home for the Mentally Challenged back to the compound. Moron said " I am surprised he didn't try to run from the police, maybe they were in a Tampa 2 formation, that always confuses Michael."

Once back in the warm cozy gym with his comrades Vick looked happier than a Seahawks fan after Roma's infamous pulling of a "Jimi Hendrix." Vick blamed Charlie, the prankster hanging his head in guilt in the photo, for the incident. He said " Charlie is always doing this, one time he leaked to the press that I gave some hooker herpes. Charlie has cost me more money than my brother. "

When asked about Vick's comments, Charlie answered, " I think I make stinky in my pants."

Vick vowed revenge.

Wednesday's Wonderful World of the Ridiculously Retarded

2007-01-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

Little Bo Beelzebub
I'm so sad...I seemed to have lost my black sheep:(

Pat Robertson Watches Too Much T.V. and Thinks God Isn't Perfect

2007-01-04T12:21:00.000-05:00

OK, by now everyone has heard the latest inane drivel to come out of Pat Robertson's mouth, if not read this...

Nostra"Dumb Ass"

Wow where to begin?

Let's Start here...

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network.

"The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

God also said, he claims, that major cities and possibly millions of people will be affected by the attack, which should take place sometime after September.

One can deduce from these statements that Pat Robertson is a fan of the television show Jericho. I can't say that I blame him, it is a good show but Pat it's just T.V. I realize you seem to have a hard time differentiating fiction from non-fiction , hell I've seen more truths on Cheaters than the 700 Club, but come on this is going overboard.

Next, it seems Pat has had a few sit-downs with God. During these pow wows over tea God informed him of upcoming changes in the world. Usually when someone talks to God they are hanging over the toilet after a raucous night of drinking or they are awaiting test results from the free clinic, not insinuating that Pat was doing either of these, I'm just saying.

In regards to his predictions after his talks with God, he said...

"I have a relatively good track record," he said. "Sometimes I miss."

There you have it, breaking news! Pat Robertson claims that God is not perfect! If God told him these things and they didn't happen, well good old Pat just took a shit on the big guy upstairs.

So what can we as concerned citizens gather from this latest moronic babble.....

Pat Robertson is to Christianity as AIDS is to unprotected sex.

Fear not though after his 700 Club rambling Robertson was secretly filmed by the paparazzi.

I think we are good.

Resurrection 2.0

2007-01-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are once again. I was hoping to have this up and running on the anniversary of closing the first church but it just did not happen. I am not surprised and you should not be either. I am always late. Why? I am lazy. Today it's raining and my head is pounding harder than the heart of a four hundred pound man after making a mad dash for the Hickory Farms "after holiday sale" at the mall. So today is a perfect day for this.

So let's start things off with a little lesson in things that are bad when they are late and things that are good when they are late.

Things That are Bad When Late

Your paycheck
Your annoying significant other when she makes you fifteen minutes late to Rocky Balboa
Your monthly issue of Safety Precautions @ the ATM*
The pizza
Her period

Things That are Good When Late

Anything JDV does....

Enjoy!

* ATM refers to the porn phenomenon Ass to Mouth. We will explore this deeper in the future.

666

2006-06-06T14:00:00.000-05:00

So bad things are supposed to happen today......

Well, considering the true number of the beast is 616, I highly doubt that the antichrist will show up at your door today unless you really hate Jehovah's Witnesses. Slayer is also putting out a new CD today, so I guess if you hate Slayer that's a bad thing. \M/ Probably the worst thing that will happen is the pizza guy rings your doorbell and he is 15 minutes late with your pizza. That's Hell!

Have a good Devil's Day everyone and I will celebrate this day by enjoying a viewing of The Omen this evening. See you heathens there......

Random Thoughts, Questions, Observations, and What Not

2006-05-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

Does the guy that runs Martian Anthropology have stock in Blog Explosion? Every time I surf Martian Anthropology is ALWAYS the first blog that comes up.

Why is blog not considered a word in Microsoft Works? Hasn’t everyone jumped on the blog train? What are you waiting for Mr. Gates?

Why are ugly people allowed to breed? Haven’t you learned by now ugly + ugly = well ugly.

Boston Legal is still the best show on T.V.

Why do the Black Panthers call themselves the Black Panthers? Isn’t use of the word black overkill?

Jenna Jameson is the perfect woman if you can get past the fact that she has had more cocks than the woman in the shoe.

Why do we have Yield signs? The majority of idiots stop at them, just make them Stop signs and help lower intelligent people’s insurance premiums.

Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness is the greatest double record ever.

Why is it called the Special Olympics? I know Laugh Olympics is taken but it’s more fitting.

I am thinking about starting a church. Everyone should worship me.

When I go to the movie theater and order a small soda I do not want the special. If I had wanted the 10 dollar special I would have said give me the special.

Taco Bell employees never get my order right.

Axe body wash lies! According to the directions, all I have to do is lather up, wash off and I will have two chicks waiting for me when I get out of the shower. This is not true.

Everyone knows they will keep watching American Idol even though Chrome Dome is gone…Why…because everyone loves a retard…Go Taylor!

Four days to Californians is actually five to Virginians. Yeah my power supply didn’t arrive in four days like I was promised.

Drugs turned Leif Garrett from a teen heart throb to looking like a pedophile.

Gene Simmons’ record Asshole is lyrically the most retarded album ever.

Why does Poison continue to tour?

Ashley Parker Angel actually has talent unfortunately he has a fucking stupid name.

Why can’t people distinguish between your and you’re?

Jaywalking carries a fine but having five children by five different fathers gets you government support…come on now.

Porn movies give out false hope. Men can not last for 45 minutes doing all sorts of nasty thing to women and the majority of women do not like to take a point blank shot to the face.

Walking With a Black Panther

2006-05-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day is rare for me. I couldn't let this slide though....so the "NEW" Black Panthers held a protest today at Duke University to "deal directly" with the Lacrosse players accused of raping that stripper.

OK first let me get this out of the way in no way do I condone rape. With that being said , this chick was not raped. She worked for a fucking escort service if anything she may have a civil case for a bad business transaction, but that's about it.

A few facts:

The chick has cried rape in the past. She lied.

No one on the lacrosse team matched the DNA evidence.

She picked the lacrosse players from a line up that was fucking pictures of JUST the lacrosse team. How insane is this? Anyone that has ever watched a cop show knows that you insert placebos in the line up. I guess the D.A. never saw N.Y.P.D. Blue.

Oh yeah and one of the kids that she accused of raping her is seen on tape at an ATM at near the time of the rape getting money.

So what do the Black Panthers do? They decide to be this chick's knights in shining armor. Do you think they would be protesting and "dealing directly" with these kids if they were black? Hell no!

The leader of the group Malcolm Shabazz is quoted saying "We are conducting an independent investigation , and we intend to enter the campus and interview the lacrosse players." Who died and made this guy Grissom? Durham has a capable police staff Mr. Shazaam.

I saw a picture of this NEW Black Panther group and they looked more like a bunch of rappers sporting assault rifles than a political group with intentions of bettering the African American race. Do you really think it's a good idea to instill this image of violence in African American youth? I mean black on black crime is pretty fucking high...wouldn't it suit a group that preached " Black Power" better if they tried to curb that instead of coming to Duke University and attempting to impose their will.... I think so!

The truth is if this had been black kids accused of raping this girl they would be non-existent. It's much easier to look outside to find the nemesis. Same for Jesse Jackson, he would have never agreed to pay her tuition through college if the accusers had been black. And that my friends is fucked up! Racism is alive and well in the United States and it just isn't being perpetuated by rednecks in white sheets.

Another Shazaam comment because he is just so fucking intelligent.....

"We as black men cannot sit idly by and allow white men to rape black women, regardless of what our sister (who by nature is a queen and a divine black woman) was doing."

What! this guy is a fucking idiot...as a black man he can not sit by and allow white men to rape black women...ha ha and fucking ha! give me a fucking break.... Are we Vikings now, are we savages? Nice Jesus attitude but I see you have blinders on when it comes to black kids killing other black kids over some drug bullshit. For the record black on black crime is a threat to the African American race not the white man. It may be a bitter pill to swallow Shazaam but all I can tell you is to drink a lot of water, it's the truth.

So a Few Lawns Will Not Get Mowed Today

2006-05-01T09:30:00.000-05:00

Big fucking deal! I am sick and tired of hearing about this immigrant walk out today. The thing is these people are here illegally. For those that do not know illegal means a violation of the law. What happens when you break the law...you go to jail. Let these illegal immigrants protest...it's easier to send them back if they are in one place.

They are complaining that America does not appreciate them...no shit...they are here illegally, Jesus Christ! So they decide to stop working , wave their native flag (not the American flag) in hopes that America will start to appreciate them. That is almost as stupid as not holding the walk out on Cinco de Mayo. Think about it at least on Cinco de Mayo everyone could have gotten drunk over this stupid shit. I say don't deport them for being illegal, deport them for being stupid, this country has it's share of native born stupidity.

The fact is if we opened our borders to everyone, they all would come. It would be worse than buffet steak night at the local Sizzler. I don't doubt their work ethic. I get the best service at a Mexican restaurant. My chips are at the table before I am and believe me I appreciate them for that. It shows in my tip.

And to the Americans that bitch that immigrants are taking their jobs...this is your chance...get out there today while they are out crying and tell their employers you want a job and you can start immediately.

That is not going to happen because the majority of people that bitch about immigrants stealing their jobs are people that don't want a fucking job in the first place. They want to live off of you and I. They need the "Mexican stole my job" argument to plead their case. Illegal immigrants can't get welfare so they have to work , maybe we should start labeling lazy unwilling to work motherfuckers that drive Escalades that I am paying for illegal...now we are getting somewhere.

I guess I will not be eating at the Mexican restaurant tonight. That really fucking shows me....I'm in the mood for Chinese anyway.

Solving the World's Problems: One Ebola Strain at a Time

2006-04-10T08:40:00.000-05:00

As I was killing time last night (OK procrastinating) I stumbled upon an interesting article in The Citizen Scientist.

To Kill a Population with Ebola

A few things:

I don't see what the big hoopla is about this, it's not new. You have one mad scientist preaching about exterminating 90 % of the Earth's population with the most rocking infectious disease today, so what! The guy is an ecologist. Without a doubt he pays more attention to the environment than most of us. Odds are he is pretty passionate about preserving the environment as well...so it goes without saying that sitting back watching people destroy the environment in various ways pisses him off. Also being a scientist I am sure that he is fascinated by Ebola, hell I am and I'm no scientist.

Let me pose this question...Would his lecture have been memorable if he spoke about the evils of SUVs, the depletion of the ozone layer, etc...No because that has been said ad nauseam. People would have forgotten his lecture before they walked out of the door. So he is being raked over the coals for offering an extreme solution to the "evils" in the world. Wait! that sounds like something else ....hmmmm.....what is it...it's on the tip of my tongue......oh yeah, apocalyptic preachers!

This guy's answer to the worlds problems is straight from the book of an apocalyptic preacher. Hell, he even mentions the Four Horsemen. So why are the preachers not being raked over the coals? I mean they preach painful death and torture in the form of Hell, he preaches it in the form of Ebola which is painful but only last two days....Hell is forever! This guy is a humanitarian compared to apocalyptic preachers. I am willing to bet he is less annoying to listen to as well. Have you ever watched those preachers on TV? Why is it that they all turn red, I swear it looks like a heart attack is just a breath away....no need to be so animated...I get it, I am a sinner , I am going to Hell, blah blah, blah.....

Another thing Ebola isn't the answer. It's too fast, he should know this....the reason the outbreaks are so limited is the virus is like Speedy Gonzales. Just like any other virus it needs a host to replicate, the problem with Ebola is it kills the host so fast that it actually kills itself off. There is no way that it could wipe out 90 % of the Earth's population, would make for a good movie though.

Anyway I am sticking to my theory that we should just banish the stupid people to their own island. That way I wouldn't have to watch those apocalyptic preachers as they attempt to spontaneously combust ever again.

Attention Men: JDV Has Something to Say

2006-03-27T12:21:00.000-05:00

This is something that most men refuse to acknowledge but women are smarter than men. I know that’s a hard blow to male ego but the sooner you accept it the better off you will be. Now…don’t go questioning my ability to stand erect (yes pun intended). I have a backbone but I am also secure enough to accept that women are smart. Hell, the majority of the ditzy blondes know full well what they are doing and you know it works for them. They can get most men to give them anything they want. So I ask this question…who is the smart one in that equation?

OK on to the article I just read at askmen.com. It’s entitled “6 Ways to Tell Your Girl to Lose Some Weight.”, a better title would have been “Six Ways to End Up Penniless, Homeless and Alone.”

First of all there is no way to tell your girl she needs to lose some weight. If you love her so what if she adds on a few pounds. Newsflash….if she has put on some weight I am sure she already knows this without your subtle hints. Subtle hints will piss women off, trust me I know from experience…just get to the fucking point if you’re going to do it. I highly recommend though if you love this woman just accept the weight gain as a way of life. The majority of people add weight at some point in their lives. She doesn’t bitch about your sagging nuts does she?

Now that we have a little background let’s look at this idiot’s ways to tell a girl she needs to lose weight and cut past the bullshit of this article and get to the truth.

1- "I don't like the way that outfit looks on you anymore."

Every woman has a go-to getup. If you don't know it, you don't know her well enough to discuss her flabby stomach. The only thing that could ever change the way an outfit looks is the way it fits. Tell her you aren't sure why it looks odd, suggest a looser knit, and watch her forever skip the nachos with cheese.

This isn’t going to work and it’s going to be costly. Notice how this fool says she will skip the nachos…bullshit what she is going to do if you say something so asinine to her is take YOUR credit card and go buy about 5 new go-to getups. Why your card you ask , because you were stupid enough to think this shit would work…you deserve to pay 30 percent interest on that dumb shit.

2- "I can't get over how fat I feel."

Women have been commiserating with each other for eons about the thickness of their thighs. If you launch a pity-party of your own about how heavy you feel, and let her know at every turn, she'll become fat-obsessed by osmosis. Women have been doing it to each other since the dawn of public washrooms.

Ha! Yeah this is really going to work. First of all men well straight men do not go around complaining about feeling fat. What the fuck is this author smoking? If you launch a pity party it is going to turn her off for one thing. Second if you run around crying about feeling fat and you are but she isn’t saying anything to you about your weight gain that tells you something. Thirdly, if you whine about being fat constantly she may think you are cheating on her….with a MAN!

3- "Your friend isn't nearly as attractive since she gained that weight."

Be careful. Delivery is everything. Pick her homeliest friend and let your most outrageous BS fly. Pick an attractive pal, and you'll be explaining your wandering eye till you give her a ring. Focus on the improbable target, and she'll be thinking that if you find her bookworm buddy hefty, perhaps a diet should be on her docket.

Do I even need to address this one? This is like playing Russian roulette with five bullets in the gun. Take this advice and you deserve what you get. Picking her homeliest friend isn’t the answer…woman are constantly gauging the level of attractiveness of other women, including their friends. If you choose her “ugly” friend then she will think you will sleep with anything. If you are going to crash and burn at least choose the hot chick…Jesus Christ!

* Side Note* If you are stupid enough to try this approach understand that your woman already knows she has put on a little weight…so by you saying her friend is less attractive for it she knows you are saying she is less attractive as well…you’re welcome.

4- "I have a new female trainer at the gym."

She'll never suggest fewer trips to the gym, but it will drive her bonkers to think that another woman is spotting your squat thrusts. She'll sign up and show up within 24 hours just to keep an eye on you.

Again…ha! No way in hell this works. The only thing I have to say about this ridiculous approach is if you enjoy having sex with your woman do not follow this advice. You will not have to worry about defining your thighs from squats, your bigger worry will be is my left wrist that much bigger than my right and is it noticeable.

5- "The saleswoman said it was for smaller women."

If you want your baby to shed some baby fat, spend a couple of bucks on a nice little fashion piece a couple of sizes out of her reach. If she is thin in your eyes, and the only thing telling her otherwise is a piece of clothing, she'll work morning, noon and night to fit into that cursed thing.

Notice how this idiot says she will work 24/7 to fit into that thing. No she won’t…she will get pissed at you for not paying attention to her and knowing her size. This is going to cost you because when she takes it back she is going to get 5 more things in her size. Serves you right I say for being retarded.

6- "Let's help each other lose a couple of pounds?"

Let's face it. If you tell your girlfriend to lose some weight, she'll withdraw your all-access pass to her wonderful folds. But an honest commitment to work together to become fitter and shed some unwanted girth can only be met with the excitement that your investment in her is the same as what she is willing to invest in you. Losing weight is no small task. Make her sure you're worth it.

This is the only one that is even remotely intelligent. If weight gain bothers you so much this is probably the best approach to take. It’s funny I had a talk with a friend last night about the way I word some things that get me in trouble. If you word you this the way the author said you are going to get in trouble. A better approach is to say something along the lines of “I need to get in shape and I don’t really want to go to the gym alone, will you go with me?” Hell it may not work but at least you won’t be sleeping on the couch for the next two weeks if you word it that way.

The telling thing about this article is I really think it was written by a woman. Which makes it right fucking hysterical, she knows men are not as smart as women and she is just leading the lambs to slaughter…well fear not men JDV is your savior.

Do not follow this article and if you need more proof here is the smoking gun.

“Remember men, to influence her decision to lose weight while avoiding any sore feelings is to make everything about you. How you feel, what you think, what your opinion is; these are the things that will separate you just enough from the battle that is ultimately hers. The minute you make it about what you think she's doing wrong, you're dead meat, and we're all coming after you.”

Even brain dead men know it's always about the woman….lambs to the slaughter I tell ya.

Here is the article…..

Article to get men in trouble

So I Was Over at Vix’s Blog….

2006-03-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and quite frankly the majority of them are boring, so what, unless you are a ninja or a porn star life in general is boring. Anyway I read somewhere that the majority of posts start out with “so” or “OK.” I wanted to ensure my first class seat on the cliché ride.

Enough babbling…I read Vix's post about the critique from some blog review site. You know I figured from the attention the reviewer ( I have to add here that I have no idea which one reviewed it and don’t really care, I will get to that in a little while) gave to the template that she would have the apex of templates. Oh how I was wrong.

I go to this site and to my horror I am confronted with Powerpuff Girls…that’s right…I did not stutter…I said…POWERPUFF GIRLS. Powerpuff Girls really wig me out because they look like little superheroes suffering from Down Syndrome. Something else that bothers me is when parents allow their children to cuss like 50 Cent after someone steals his glock…oh wait these people are adults…my mistake.

After the initial Powerpuff shock I notice there is this little template generator that allows me to change templates. The Powerpuff template has to be a joke right? I mean these people are rude, witty, sarcastic, etc. Surely it’s a joke…nope…apparently not.

I’ll get to the other templates in a few minutes. It’s not like you have anywhere else to be.

In the review this person also critiqued the sidebar as well as the names of the sections. Hmmmm…. let’s look at their sidebar, here is the rundown on the named sections of the Powerpuff template:

Puffs My Ass
Shit-Chat
BitchSlapped

I get it; let’s add naughty words to give a rebel feel to our Powerpuff Girl image. Cute! Oh yeah Ike called and said “Bitchslapped” went out about the same time Tina’s career did.

The amount of blinkies and buttons were also mentioned in the review. Here is a quote:

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many buttons and blinkies - it’s a fucking mess.”

Sure you have Ray Charles, look at yours. Your sidebar looks like two kids got into their daddy’s liquor cabinet, got drunk and threw up all over the fucking place.

I just have to ask, what’s up with the guy with that wicked neck problem? A chiropractor could probably “straighten” that out for you. Seriously though… I look at the players and that leads me to a Miss Cleo moment. I picture “Christopher’s Cartoon Angels.”

I click the next template and…..

IT'S CHARLIES ANGELS! I should have played the fucking lottery today. Actually I would have been one number off because it’s not Charlie’s Angels, that guy could be a stunt double for Christopher Lowell. It’s definitely Christopher’s Angels.

Another thing about these templates is the cutesy little way that they change with every page turn. I’m kidding it’s not cute it’s annoying as fuck. I felt like I was stuck in channel surfing hell and the only two channels were Lifetime and Nickelodeon.

I’m bored of the templates; ADD is kicking in, so let’s move on.

I notice a little link at the top of the page that states “We'd like to save you from making yourself look like an idiot.” This should be good.

It’s a list of things the author has so graciously typed out to save me from looking like an idiot. Wow, maybe I should have looked here before I started this post…no I’m good.

Let’s see…

I shall paraphrase, I hope that is OK.

Rule number one to avoid looking like an idiot states:

They all think alike. Looks like I made the right call about not caring which one said what.

Rule number two to avoid looking like an idiot states:

Well it doesn’t really state anything. My only question is, I wonder if Christopher ever gets tired of being called a bitch?

Rule number three to avoid looking look like an idiot states:

Oh it’s a legal one…blah, blah, blah, I do have to quote here:

“If you see your pathetic blog here being reviewed by someone against your will there isn't anything legally you can do about it.”

Amen sista preach on!

Rule number four to avoid looking like an idiot states:

Not important. It just basically says that they have the right to run off at the mouth.

Now this is the interesting one…

Rule number five to avoid looking like an idiot states:

The “bitches” don’t list their personal blogs. The reason for this is the sidebar is too long as it is… gotcha! The telling thing about this is... even though she offers to give up her “other blog” if you ask she is pretty defensive about it, almost to the point of being violent. Here is another quote from Hostile Nancy:

“I am the same exact person on this blog that I am in real life. Wanna try me? Come over. I'll bitch slap you at my fucking door.”

Tell you what “fists of fury” I’ll warn the Witnesses and the pizza delivery man about you greeting with a bitch slap. How about that? In rule number 4 she claims she isn’t bitter or angry…again…gothca!

She goes on to say the other bitches may or may not give up their blogs for you to read. This doesn’t surprise me because after a little further research I am here to debunk “the long side bar” theory.

In her diatribe Hostile Nancy writes:

“I'm not taking up another fucking mile to put each bitches personal information on it.”

Fair enough but bullshit. There is a “more about us” section that details the personality of each contributor to the site. Hey look…you could put links to your blogs there! The problem with the ever expanding side bar is solved…you’re welcome.

The truth is you do not want to “see your pathetic blog being reviewed against your will.”

I have to admit I did not read any other reviews because the one that I read was so asinine. The only thing that you are qualified to review is colon polyps, because your head is stuck so far up your ass.

MySpace Is Not Part of the Curriculum

2006-03-04T14:06:00.000-05:00

I was surfing the tech section on USA Today and came across this article, Myspace Drama!

OK first off I realize kids today are spawns of Satan. So any type of threat needs to be looked at carefully. With that being said, the schools do not raise your fucking children even though some parents would like for them to.

It's been a while since I was in school, but when I was there you got suspended for shit that you did while IN school. You got your ass beat for shit you did at home. It is insane to suspend students for joining some stupid I Hate "insert name here” group. Hey, the girl may be a bitch, you never know. I hate many people, in fact I really hate Bob Saget...I would join a "I Hate Bob Saget" group. If the leader of this group decides one day that they want to post a message about ripping Mr' Saget's nightmarish head off of his body and sticking it up his ass it does not mean I agree with it. Kids are impressionable but I highly doubt this little retard has the charisma of Jim Jones.

This is no different. The kids joined a I Hate so and so group, so fucking what...kids are cruel, this isn't breaking news. The group can be easily deleted. Those kids should not be suspended. Now the kid that started the group has issues, his parents should deal with him...not the school. Expelling this kid is going to do absolutely nothing but make him more of a degenerate. The school is taking the easy way out by washing their hands of the situation. This kid may need help or he may just be expressing himself in a way that is not acceptable. Either way, talk to the fucking kid; he did nothing at school so he shouldn't be expelled. Hell, I would probably be a 35 year old junior in high school if that logic was used for shit that I did at home away from school. Give me a fucking break.

I really think the parents of the suspended students should start a I Hate "whatever that principle's name is" group, because he is a mean doodie-head.

File This Under: I Know I'm Going to Hell

2006-02-28T11:35:00.000-05:00

Living in the “Bible Belt” I see my share of religious connotations on a daily basis. Probably the most frequent is the ever so popular “Jesus Saves” wooden sign. But just what does Jesus save? The signs never tell you. It’s like a cliffhanger…you drive further down the country road to see if the story continues. Did he save the seventh game of the World Series? Did he rescue a cat from a tree? Come on people you have to tell us what he saved. Hell, even Weight Watchers has at least one testimonial on their billboards. If you need to get a bigger piece of wood, I’m sure there is one behind the shed.

I was driving the other day and came across this on a church marquee… “Don’t Forget Jesus”. My first thought was…how embarrassing…the church has called out some absent-minded Mexican family for leaving their kid at church. I wonder how many times you have to forget your kid to reach marquee status. Seriously how can anyone forget Jesus? He is everywhere; he is to everyday life as the movie “Grease” is to HBO. In other words…he is on all of the time.

Another of my favorite church marquees is “Your Worth Comes From God”. Oh Yeah…well tell the big guy I am in need of a raise. You know believing in God is great but it doesn’t pay your bills unless your name is Jesse Jackson. I know, I know…self worth…well that doesn’t pay your bills either. You can be God’s right hand man or woman and help old ladies across the street but if you do not have your mortgage payment the bank will come and take your house. The bank is the Devil.

The most disturbing marquee that I have seen was ironically at a Catholic church. Are you ready for this? It read “Bring the Little Ones Unto Me”. What! I had to turn around and make sure that I actually passed a church and not a Michael Jackson concert. Organized religion is seriously its own worst enemy.

My all time favorite is the “Prepare to Meet God” tin sign. These signs are usually strategically placed on desolate country roads. They seem to be going for the hellfire and brimstone approach. Why else would you line a long narrow country road with these signs? The sign does make you think…what would you do if you met God?

First, would you shake his hand or would you bump knuckles with him? Hey I bet God is a hip being, up to date with all of the fads. If you decide to shake his hand, you have to have the right amount of grip on the shake. Too much grip makes it look like you’re over compensating and too little grip makes you look weak. Now that’s a dilemma.

How does one go about making small talk with God? He already knows the answers to everything. Hell he knows what you’re going to ask before you ask. He has to be bored. Wait! That explains politicians…they are God’s rubik’s cube.

What if he brings up those countless times you begged him to get you through a hangover?

“God, Oh God if you just get me through this I’ll never do it again.”

Well not until next Friday anyway.

Here is a question to ponder….

What would you ask God if you met him?

I know what I would ask the big guy. I want to know just what in the hell happened to Chuck, Richie’s older brother on Happy Days.

In closing I have the perfect marquee and churches feel free to use this…

“God…One Hell of a Being”

Who Used All of the Goddamn Toilet Paper?

2006-02-24T01:19:00.000-05:00

You know I read on some writer's blog earlier that the key to a good post was the title. You have to draw your readers in...Did that work?

Actually the title correlates to the subject of this post. I am going to talk about toilet humor. Why you ask? Good question…because I have recently read one of the funniest books I've ever laid my eyes on.

The other day I was sitting there reading this book and it hit me...this book is the pinnacle of toilet humor. It didn't hurt much that I was sitting on the toilet when I had this epiphany. The book that I am referring to is “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" by Tucker Max.

According to the web, the definition of toilet humor is:

Public reference to bodily functions such as urination and defecation is taboo in many cultures and thus arouses intense anxiety in many people. For this reason, there is a whole sub-genre of humour, toilet humour (also potty humour or bathroom humour) based around excretion. This genre is particularly popular with children. For that reason, it is particularly taboo when adults use it, though it is quite common.

OK that's a pretty accurate description but not the one I was going for when the term toilet humor hit me about this book. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of references to bodily functions in the book, but to me toilet humor is something that makes you feel happy while reclaiming the throne.

By show of hands, who reads on the toilet?

That's what I thought, just about everyone. Now I ask you this, would you rather read something thrilling and suspenseful while suffering from constipation? Or would you rather read some incredibly funny shit? It's a no brainer...the thriller is going to make your sphincter clinch up, which in turn is going to make doing your business that much harder. Hell, a Danish traveler would stand a better chance of leaving Iran unscathed than you having a bowel movement after reading a thriller. On the other hand reading something funny is going to relax your mind, causing you to laugh which in turns works the abdominals and pushes the shit out. Who needs Ex- Lax when you have toilet humor?So what makes good toilet humor?

First and foremost it has to be funny and when I say funny what I really mean is "retard spelling bee" funny. It can't just be "chuckle" funny. It has to make you laugh all the way through; no lulls or else you're going to think about that constipation. “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" has this type of funny. After reading the book I am sure a lot of people will be appalled at some of Tucker's exploits but one thing you can never say about them is that they are not fucking hilarious.

Second and almost as important is the length of chapters, or in the case of this book, the stories. To be classified as good toilet reading a book must have short yet interesting chapters. If a story is interesting, funny etc. but is a tad too long it is disqualified as good toilet reading. No one wants their legs falling asleep while they sit on the toilet. It has happened to everyone, you get wrapped up in a story, next thing you know you feel like Christopher Reeve after riding a horse. You have to have cut off points. It's an exact science and Tucker has a PhD in creating the perfect length of a story. Each story is just the right length for one sitting. That's more important than you realize. You really should choose bathroom reading material like you choose your car. This book is good on gas. Wait…nevermind.

Moving on... The book follows the (for the most part) drunken tales of Tucker Max. Some of the things that Tucker has done may seem a bit far fetched, but ask yourself this...could anyone make this shit up? That answer is an emphatic no. No one has an imagination like this, not even a kid with an imaginary friend that suffers from schizophrenia. Some of this shit is so unbelievable that it has to be true.This book has it all from sushi projectile vomiting to crashing a car through the front of a donut shop. You name it, it's in this book…well there isn't any goat fucking, close but no fuck.

The most telling thing about this book is Tucker dispels the whole “drink too much; lose brain cells" theory. If that were true Tucker would have to change his first name to Terri and his last name to Schiav...you get the picture. Tucker may very well be an anomaly in the drunkard community. He is quick witted even when "tore out the frame". (OK, so I really do not use that phrase, actually I never have but I always have wanted to, it's so redneck) After years of drinking his memory seems to still be intact. Some of these stories were written years after they took place and he writes them with such precision that it's almost as if they just occurred. So go ahead have a beer or have 30.

Here is some actual reader feedback from the book jacket:

"I am completely baffled as to how you can congratulate yourself for being a womanizer and a raging drunk, or think anyone cares about an idiot like you. Do you really think that exploiting the insecurities of others while getting wasted is a legitimate thing to offer?"

"I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist."

And here is my favorite...

"You are the coolest person I can ever imagine existing. If you slept with my girlfriend, it'd make me love her more."

For those that don't know who Tucker Max is, you can read about him here...

Tucker Max

There you will find a lot of the stories in the book. Don't be a tight ass, reserve that moment for when you are unlawfully imprisioned and have to share a cell with Tyrone. Buy the fucking book. It's only $12.95; most of you spend at least that much a month on subscriptions to Internet porn. Seriously though if you enjoy the stories, buy the book...help support Internet writers. Just think of Sally Struthers standing in some desolate third world village asking for your cash. It's like that but minus Sally Struthers. Now isn't it worth 13 bucks not see her fat ass whine? Thought so.

Another point for buying the book…it's the goddamn pinnacle of toilet humor! You can not take your pc to the bathroom. You can take your laptop but a book is much easier on the knees. Really, one of life's greatest overlooked luxuries is a pleasant bathroom experience. Buy this book and you will be shitting regularly before you know it. OK, that may not be entirely true, your habits rely on your dietary intake but I can guarantee that if you have a sense of humor and this book next to your toilet, you will look forward to going to the shitter.

Click on the banner in my side bar under Bumper Stickers to buy the book.

Finally here is Tucker's book signing schedule. If you are in these areas drop by and say hi.

Fri, Feb 24th: Chicago (Downtown and the UC)
Sat, Feb 25th: Madison (Wisconsin)
Sun, Feb 26th: OFF
Mon, Feb 27th: OFF
Tues, Feb 28th: Champaign (Illinois)
Wed, Mar 1st: Bloomington (Indiana)
Thu, Mar 2nd: *ADDED SIGNING* West Lafayette (Purdue)
Fri, Mar 3rd: Columbus (Ohio State)
Sat, Mar 4th: Athens, OH (Ohio U)

Would You Like a Side of Salmonella With That

2006-02-17T11:11:00.000-05:00

I am an ass...now that we are clear on that...

The other night after the gym I headed to the Outback to grab a little bite to eat with Winchester. We met another friend and his kid there, I shall call them Snuffy and Snuffy Jr.

The waitress arrives to take our drink orders. All is going smoothly until she gets to Snuffy Jr. ( he is eight), she asks him what he wants to drink.

Waitress: "And what can I get you?"

Snuffy Jr: "I'll have diet coke."

Waitress: "Diet coke isn't good for you; I've taken some medical school."

*note* by medical school she means that she has seen a few episodes of E.R.

Snuffy Jr: "I like it cause it makes me burp louder."

Waitress: "But it will give you cancer."

Snuffy Sr: "Bring him a regular coke."

I had a sinking feeling at this point that nothing good could come from this Outback experience. I was almost speechless from her telling the kid he was going to get cancer from drinking diet coke. I'm mean but I wouldn't even do that. Sure there are theories out there that Aspartame causes cancer but you don't tell a kid that. He just wants to burp.

So the waitress brings the drinks. Snuffy notices some sort of grit on his glass. She is concerned about a kid getting cancer from a diet coke but not the heinous bacteria replicating in the tea. Snuffy tells her that his glass is dirty, she agrees, and goes to get him another. It is then that I realize that my glass is about as clean as Bobby Brown after a trip to crack town.

When she brings Snuffy his new drink I inform her that my glass is dirty too. She is not pleased. She goes on to tell us that it's the dishwashers fault...they did not change the water in the dishwasher. Fear not though, she rectified the situation.

Yeah right, I told her to bring me a to go cup. Here is where her medical schooling kicks in. She brings me a to go cup...just the fucking cup! No beverage, just a fucking Styrofoam cup! She sits it in front of me and hands me the lid.

JDV: "What's this?"

Waitress: "The cup you wanted."

JDV: "Where's the tea?" (I knew I was just stringing her along)

Waitress: "I thought you just wanted the cup to pour your tea in."

JDV: "Now wait, did you just not let the cat out of the bag about the water used to clean this very glass being less than fresh?"

Waitress; " Well, yeah but it's just the outside of the glass."

I had enough. This dumb ass actually believed that the inside of the glass had no correlation to the outside. She could not comprehend that if there was grit on the outside of the glass then there was a good chance it was on the inside as well.

JDV: "You expect me to pour this tea into this cup?"Waitress: "Yeah, the inside of the glass isn't dirty."

JDV: "Medical school, huh? Do you realize that the same water was used on the inside of the glass?"

I reached my breaking point. I did not even give her the chance to answer. I got up to leave. Winchester followed suit but saw that she was about to cry. He knows me well and knew that it was about to get ugly. He said to her " don't worry it isn't you." He is a great lead off man because I followed that up with a home run. I said " oh yeah, it is you." She looked at me with murder in her eyes and stormed off.

I have no compassion for stupid people.

Chinese Democracy or Hip Hop Hypocrisy

2006-02-16T23:08:00.000-05:00

You decide.

In case this idiot doesn't look familiar, it's W. Axl Rose from Guns N Roses. At least I think he is still using that name. From the looks of things he may have changed his name to MC White Breed.

Guns N Roses is supposedly finally putting out Chinese Democracy this year. Don't get me wrong I think Appetite for Destruction is a great record but I am looking forward to this one about the same way that I would look forward to a prostate exam. I mean look at Axl, does he look Rock N Roll?

This picture was taken right after he was asked this question.

Reporter: " Axl, what can we expect from Chinese Democracy?"

Axl: "Yo, Yo, Yo, my new shit is tight, son."

He looks like a fucking caution sign for a retard crossing.

First thing, look at his neck, what the hell is up with that? It looks like he swallowed a slinky.

Next, notice the mood rings...check out the different moods. They scream schizophrenia.

And what the fuck's up with that rope around his neck? Is he planning on pulling a truck out of the mud?

Finally (and I am only stopping because my A.D.D. is kicking in), check out the skull cap. Sure he will say W.A.R. stands for W. Axl Rose but we know better. It stands for White Anglo Retard.

You know it hit me half way through this post...this picture must have been taken during Halloween and Axl was going as Da Ali G. That is the only logical explanation.

RESPECT!

Men's Health is Detrimental to My Health

2006-02-15T09:58:00.000-05:00

Last night I was reading (or should I say attempting to read) the latest issue of Men's Health. Overall the magazine is pretty informative. However, I realized last night that I could no longer read Men's Health. It is a catalyst for increasing my blood pressure to astronomical levels.

When I read Men's Health I want to learn such informative things as how to get tighter abs and the 100 little things you can do to drive her wild, and I want to read it in peace. I do not want to feel like I have been dropped off in the Congo with only a machete by my side to fight through the thick jungle.

OK, I am talking about all of the advertising. It's beyond ridiculous. I get that advertising makes money but Men's Health puts its readers through a cruel punishment each month. Do full page ads really have to be made out of cardboard? It fucks up my flow of reading. I was sitting there trying to read "Pleasures for Her and You" and I kept losing my place because some fucking after shave ad ( with sample) was stuck right in the middle of the article. I ask you Men's Health...does this sound pleasurable? It sure wasn't for me and I don't mind a little pain every now and then.

The tag line for the magazine is "Tons of Useful Stuff". Here let's take a better look at the useful stuff.

(6) Free Floating subscription cards to Men's Health.

SIX...in one magazine. I am not going to pass these fucking things out like candy. There is no need to put six in my magazine. You're only pissing me off...those index cards end up all over the floor, in turn causing me extra work. My time is valuable, fuck that.

(4) Attached (Cardboard) subscription cards to Men's Health.

That makes TEN total...in one magazine.

(6) Cardboard ads strategically placed through the book just to fuck up your reading experience.

Note to advertising and marketing for the companies that advertise( in cardboard) in Men's Health...I will not be buying your product and I will encourage others not to as well. It's fucking annoying, sure you're making me look at your ad but you really do not want to know what I am thinking.

(5) Ads for cologne (with samples)

That's right FIVE different cologne samples. It literally makes the magazine smell like a whorehouse after payday at the local factory.

The first fifteen pages of the magazine is made up with ads. You have to get through EIGHT ads just to reach the table of contents, which by the way there are NINE features in the magazine. Do the math.

I have decided to just sit around and get fat, fuck health, and Men's Health is to blame.