Trick or Treat...Praise Jesus!

So I like Halloween. Come on who doesn’t like being able to act like something or someone you’re not for one night, eat all the candy you want, and not have to worry about being arrested for dressing like a catholic priest with a little boy attached to your waist? You know I have seen some pretty creative costumes in my day. I have even seen some sick twisted person dress up like a bloody tampon on Halloween. Now this person wasn’t bright so of course people were like “OMG you’re a bloody tampon.” I am sure this guy was like “Huh, Huh, yeah cool ain’t it?” No it would have been cool if he had told them no, I am a leading cause in Toxic Shock Syndrome. Now there is a costume!

Anyway Halloween, it’s harmless and yet religion tries to drop its proverbial iron fist on it and ruin it for everyone. So what if it’s the Devil’s holiday, Jesus has Easter and Christmas. Can’t poor old Lucifer have one day, is that too much to ask? This is America and last time I checked using a monopoly to take over another holiday is against the law. Jesus can’t corner the market on holidays. If Bill Gates can be sued so can Jesus. Not to mention the Big Guy upstairs would probably be pissed seeing how it’s against the law. Those hell fire and brimstone preachers should think about that next time they are joyriding in their new Cadillac paid for by the congregation. Can I get an amen!

Sure there are some idiots out there that use Halloween as an excuse to be all “evil” and do stupid shit like sacrifice animals. The fact is they are going to do that anyway. They are idiots and as of right now stupidity isn’t against the law. Protecting your children from trick or treating isn’t going to stop them from having a sit down with Devil. The only thing it’s going to do is save you a little on dentist visits and you have insurance for that so stop being so greedy. I can guarantee you that kids do not give a shit about the devil. All they care about is who got the kit kat. Why take away from them? If you say because it’s not a Christian holiday blah, blah, blah…so what, I tell you what you are doing; you are making your kids think Christianity is like that bully who is 10 years old and still in the third grade taking their lunch money. Only this time it’s not money it’s a three musketeers bar. For the record candy is more powerful than cash to a kid.

I stumbled upon this quote from Pat Robertson:

"I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice...[The children] are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club,"

Close Halloween down? Does Pat Robertson think Halloween is like a strip club? I sense that he is confused. Let me clear things up a little for him. He asks if we want our children to dress like witches because Druids used to dress like that when they were “doing” human sacrifice. Good question…I have a better one, would you rather them dress like a preacher? Jim Baker dressed like one when he was “doing” Jessica Hahn instead of his wife.

In his infinite wisdom he also feels that kids are unknowingly acting out satanic rituals every time they ring someone’s door bell and say trick or treat. Well, if that’s all it takes to perform a satanic ritual Jehovah’s Witnesses have to be the most evil people alive. Those fuckers ring more bells a day than a pizza delivery guy. That would make Dominoes evil too, wouldn’t it? Remember that next time you order that pizza.

Some of the Christian alternatives to Halloween are so idiotic that you can not help but laugh at them. They are about as good for Christianity as Creed was, take a look and see:

-Family film festival: The family makes a home movie using a theme like a cowboy story or a science fiction tale

Remember kids it’s not satanic if you dress up like Darth Vader in your own house. It’s only satanic if you want to go outside and have a good time.

-Host a pumpkin carving party: Invite friends and neighbors to carve pumpkins, each with a single letter from a short Bible verse: e.g. "Jesus is Lord." Then arrange the pumpkins to spell out the phrase in your front yard.

This is a good one…take one of the most recognizable symbols of that evil pagan holiday Halloween and mask it with the word of the Lord. I mean really isn’t this just like the devil wearing a cross and saying big ups to the Lord?

I really thought this one would be the worst.

-Nature walk: A family walk through a wilderness area, looking for the most beautiful leaf, the smoothest rock, the most interesting stick, etc.

I can’t make this shit up. That has to be the most boring not to mention gayest thing I have ever heard of doing. I am surprised Christians would even suggest this due to their disdain for homosexuality. Seriously, that is so homo that Michael Stipe would say that’s gay I am not doing it.

And finally…..

-Neighborly needs: Have your family volunteer to perform a chore for the neighbors, such as: "cleaning windows, raking leaves, or washing cars together."

Yep you read that right, they suggest that you do chores for your neighbors instead of racking up on some candy. I’m sure this puts Christianity high on the kids list of coolness. Right next to getting Tetanus shot.

Listen; let your kids have fun. I trick or treated for years and look how I turned out. There are a lot of worse things out there than getting a cavity from candy. Don’t look to God to raise your children for you; he is busy starting all of these catastrophes. Raise the little fuckers yourselves.

Until Next Time

Sacrifice a Milky Way and pray to the god of Pepto Bismol