There is Some Shifty Shit Going on in Aisle 13

I was thinking about suing the makers of Axe Body Wash for false advertising. I had been watching the commercials, according to Axe, if I bathed in this magical potion women would attack me like I was a cafe and they were suicide bombers. I still wasn't sold.

So, I go to the store and see Axe sitting on the shelf. After picking the bottle up, I expected some sort electrical charge to shoot through my fingertips as a direct result of the potency of the wash. It did not happen.

At this point, I figured that Axe was attempting to bamboozle stupid men with cheap, inane advertising. I had to know for sure, so I read the back of the bottle.

On the back were two images...one, a shower head and two, a silhouette of a man flanked by two women. The only way to interpret this is...use Axe, score a threesome." There was no mention of having to pay these women to join you in the threesome, so I figured $4.29 + tax for a threesome was an awesome deal. I was already sold, but there was an EXPERIENCE THE AXE EFFECT warning on the back, that read...The Axe Effect may result in, but is not limited to, unrelenting female attention and/or late nights. Blinded with the thought of having to beat women off with a stick I ran to the counter, ignoring the key word MAY.

Once home I had to try out this wonderful concoction that I knew would make Ponce De Leon feel inadequate since he only discovered a measly fountain of youth. I showered...fully expecting two women to be waiting for me when I threw back the shower curtain; I positioned myself to the right angle and flung the curtain back.

Nothing! Wonderful concoction my ass, this was expensive snake oil. I was destroyed. So I stepped out of the shower, dried myself off, then noticed that I smelt refreshing, in fact I smelt groovy, the name of the wash was Groove. Not all was lost but I was still suing.

Then about three in the morning, I woke up itching. My skin was having an allergic reaction to the AXE EFFECT. That sealed the deal I definitely was suing. After digesting more than the recommended dosage of Benadryl, I remembered the disclaimer warned of late nights. I looked at the clock again, it was 3:45 and I thought well God Damnit! now I can't sue.