I Am Your New Lt. Starbuck

The Internet is an endless highway of amusement. Whether pillaging torrent sites for the newest releases of perusing the latest edition of Down Her Gullet with my 10” Mullet, the net can be a fun place. Let’s face it though… after you’ve seen one hot blond drop a Steamer on some poor yet eagerly anxious guy’s chest…you’ve seen them all.

Big tits, weird fetishes, free music, and Myspace are just the make-up on the black eyes of truth. We, as a society, are devolving. This signs are plastered over the Internet like repulsive toilet art left by someone unfortunate enough to experience bad Mexican food and live to shit about it. At first you turn away in disgust but soon you start thinking “hey, that piece of corn looks like the Titanic and it’s about to hit that huge shitberg.” I digress…

Darwin’s Theory of Evolution relies heavy on the ideology of Natural Selection. For those out there who failed 7^th grade Biology…Natural Selection is a process in which over a period a time a species inherits and develops stronger traits while cutting off weaker traits. If you learn Science by reading fortune cookies, the strong will survive and the weak shall perish. It makes sense. Think deeper, in order for this to work; the majority should be strong, right? I mean if the weak are killed off, basic math states that the strong are the majority. If the net is a litmus test for this, the theory A) is wrong or B) states that the pants shitters of the world are the true geniuses. Either way Natural Selection in mankind is flawed.

On the other hand, technology is evolving. Ten years ago a Packard Bell running Windows was a Cadillac, today it’s a 1973 Pinto station wagon with brown-siding. That’s the way things should be and it supports Darwin’s Natural Selection like a girdle on Rosie O’ Donnell. All the while, the same idiot has been fucking up my order at Mcdonald’s for the last four years. Basic Evolution suggests that by now he should have learned what “no mayonnaise” means. It also would suggest that after four years I should have moved on to the more scrumptious delicacies of Steak N Shake. I blame it on the fries, they are not doused with salt, it’s an inhibitor to block me from moving on to better eats. Again, I digress…

If technology is evolving yet mankind is devolving, where does that leave us? I will tell you where…in the not so distant future Cylon Centurions will run rampant through the streets. This time you will not have Dirk Benedict and Lorne Greene to protect you. Heed my warning. Soon C-3PO will be our president, ( I know it will be an improvement, bear with me , for the sake of my rambling) so do not be surprised to hear the following in a robotic Richard Simmons-like voice, “ vice-president R2-D2 says chances of survival are 725 to one.” Don’t try to blame the web-cam whore and her contortionist ways, you have no one blame but yourself.




I am about to embark on a journey that will take me to the moronic bowels of the Internet. A new section is born…Darwin Was Wrong will debut this week. I will traverse through seedy chat rooms, ludicrous livejournals, brainless message boards, and imbecilic Myspace pages in search of quotes and photos to disprove Darwin. It’s my part to save mankind. I am your new Lt. Starbuck. Wish me luck and may the force be with me…..

And don’t go blaming C-3PO for the fall of mankind. Blame your neighbor, who still has his Christmas lights up in April.