Would You Like a Side of Salmonella With That

I am an ass...now that we are clear on that...

The other night after the gym I headed to the Outback to grab a little bite to eat with Winchester. We met another friend and his kid there, I shall call them Snuffy and Snuffy Jr.

The waitress arrives to take our drink orders. All is going smoothly until she gets to Snuffy Jr. ( he is eight), she asks him what he wants to drink.


Waitress: "And what can I get you?"

Snuffy Jr: "I'll have diet coke."

Waitress: "Diet coke isn't good for you; I've taken some medical school."

*note* by medical school she means that she has seen a few episodes of E.R.

Snuffy Jr: "I like it cause it makes me burp louder."

Waitress: "But it will give you cancer."

Snuffy Sr: "Bring him a regular coke."

I had a sinking feeling at this point that nothing good could come from this Outback experience. I was almost speechless from her telling the kid he was going to get cancer from drinking diet coke. I'm mean but I wouldn't even do that. Sure there are theories out there that Aspartame causes cancer but you don't tell a kid that. He just wants to burp.

So the waitress brings the drinks. Snuffy notices some sort of grit on his glass. She is concerned about a kid getting cancer from a diet coke but not the heinous bacteria replicating in the tea. Snuffy tells her that his glass is dirty, she agrees, and goes to get him another. It is then that I realize that my glass is about as clean as Bobby Brown after a trip to crack town.

When she brings Snuffy his new drink I inform her that my glass is dirty too. She is not pleased. She goes on to tell us that it's the dishwashers fault...they did not change the water in the dishwasher. Fear not though, she rectified the situation.

Yeah right, I told her to bring me a to go cup. Here is where her medical schooling kicks in. She brings me a to go cup...just the fucking cup! No beverage, just a fucking Styrofoam cup! She sits it in front of me and hands me the lid.

JDV: "What's this?"

Waitress: "The cup you wanted."

JDV: "Where's the tea?" (I knew I was just stringing her along)

Waitress: "I thought you just wanted the cup to pour your tea in."

JDV: "Now wait, did you just not let the cat out of the bag about the water used to clean this very glass being less than fresh?"

Waitress; " Well, yeah but it's just the outside of the glass."

I had enough. This dumb ass actually believed that the inside of the glass had no correlation to the outside. She could not comprehend that if there was grit on the outside of the glass then there was a good chance it was on the inside as well.

JDV: "You expect me to pour this tea into this cup?"Waitress: "Yeah, the inside of the glass isn't dirty."

JDV: "Medical school, huh? Do you realize that the same water was used on the inside of the glass?"

I reached my breaking point. I did not even give her the chance to answer. I got up to leave. Winchester followed suit but saw that she was about to cry. He knows me well and knew that it was about to get ugly. He said to her " don't worry it isn't you." He is a great lead off man because I followed that up with a home run. I said " oh yeah, it is you." She looked at me with murder in her eyes and stormed off.

I have no compassion for stupid people.